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Take responsibility.
The AirPod has become less a headphone and more a symbol of a world askew.
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With good earbuds, you can do everything from making calls when you’re on the move to listening to your favorite music to blocking out the world around you.
People walk down the street, their AirPods in their ears, their selves inside their heads.
They need music — or an erudite Joe Rogan podcast — to help them walk to the subway, or merely lurch toward their bicycle.
As a non-AirPod wearer, this has entirely fascinated me.
Why, 17% of humanity — at least in one survey — claimed they keep AirPods in during sex. Which seems so blatantly anti-human and so clearly of today.
Worse, many wearers claim they have screaming nightmares over losing just one of their precious ill-designed earring headphones.
This brings me to actor Misha Collins. He plays an angel in the TV series Supernatural and he has endured the devil of a problem.
“Sometimes in public bathrooms, for no known reason, men throw paper towels into urinals,” he began, in a tweeted lament. “Just now in the bathroom at LAX, when I yawned, my right AirPod fell out and into the pee-soaked paper towels in the porcelain convenience.”
Naturally, this was an event — hopefully real — that caused consternation among his 2.8 million followers. Especially as Collins added: “Now I don’t know what to do.”
I regret to admit my answer may have been: “What the hell were you doing wearing an AirPod to go to the toilet? Have you completely lost your sense of perspective? Do you really need music, or an erudite Joe Rogan podcast, to help you perform a basic bodily function?”
My fear is that Collins may say yes.
My attention, however, was drawn to the solutions offered by his faithful.
Sample: “If they are in warranty, just use a huge amount of paper to retrieve it. Then, never ever mention what happened and delete this tweet. Call support and say you don’t know why, but it stopped working. And that you expected better quality. Ask for a replacement.”
Would anyone be so shamelessly venal? Could this possibly work?
Well, one Twitter responder offered: “This is exactly how I replaced 3 sets of wired earbuds at the Apple store. I broke every pair through good ol’ negligence but they still gave me new ones.”
What a marvelous advertisement for Apple’s customer service and gullibility. What a terrible notion for humanity.
Talking of terrible notions for humanity, one of Collins’ followers offered: “Honestly I’d start crying.”
Another went further. Further down, that is: “Reach in..grab the airpod.. Rinse, sanitize and repeat. Problem solved. Tada..! It’s nothing worse than the nasty many parents usually have to clean up over babyhood and toddlerdom.”
Have we truly lost our sense of, well, sense? (I know the answer is yes, but please humor me further.) Is it truly a given that wearing an AirPod to the toilet is normal behavior and the real problem is disgraceful men who leave paper towels in urinals?
Yes, disgraceful men who leave paper towels in urinals are a real problem, but it surely isn’t their fault that someone yawns and drops their AirPods into these damp paper towels.
In fact, what difference do the paper towels make? Is it somehow better to drop your AirPod into your own waste matter?
It was left to one of the world’s last sane Twitterers to emit a little wisdom: “I’m sorry but you will have to mourn them and let go. After some time has passed and you have grieved properly, you can venture out into an apple store again and buy some earbuds that are wired preferably so you don’t have to revisit this pain again.”
In fact, dear Misha, it seems wired headphones are in and AirPods are out. Luminaries such as Bella Hadid and Zoe Kravitz say so. Or, at least, do so.
If you’re in the acting profession, you want to be as blissfully au courant as you can.
So please, accept your fate, adjust your life and get out your trusty white wires.
Oh, don’t tell me you managed to yawn and dropped those into the urinal as well, did you?
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